Dear Friend (Thank You) Kim

Dear Friend,

Hi.

Wow, how weird it feels to say that.

So.... this is slightly awkward. We really haven't talked in a long time. Months. I'm so sorry. I've been hiding and I know it. I know I shouldn't. I know how much better I feel when I'm around others. I love to be with my friends and family. I love to laugh and explore and talk. I want to catch up. I want to hang out. I WANT to be there for you.

But instead you are here for me.

Thank you for showing up. I can't even show up for myself right now.

I'm not ashamed. I know I'm experiencing high level functional depression. I can tell. I have all the symptoms. I have little interest in being with those I love. I have little interest in DOING things I love. I haven't read a book all year. I don't know what season my favorite show is on. I haven't been to the gym, taken a walk, meditated, journald, HELL, I haven't talked to my best friend in WEEKS.

And I don't think it matters. Or that anyone cares. I'm basically taking up space simply existing as I go about my day. At least, I think I'm going about my day. It's so hard to tell. I haven't had a routine since I started hiding.

But through it all, you still checked in. You are still there for me, because I can't be here for myself right now.

I don't have the words to express how much that means to me. I TRULY appreciate your presence. I'm so sorry I see your texts and I forget to reply. I'm so sorry I don't have the energy to hang out even though I spend my days sitting on my couch not doing much at all. I'm so sorry you have done NOTHING wrong, and yet.... and yet... you probably feel as though you have. I assure you. It really is me, not you.

I am so lucky to have you. I am grateful I can disappear and come back and still have people I love waiting for me. I'm so thankful that you are showing a genuine interest in my well being and actually care if I'm doing well or not. I can't express how much weight lifts off my shoulders just knowing that when I'm ready to talk about it, you will listen. You will listen and won't judge and will offer advice should I ask. You will hold my hand if it's hard. You'll hug me if I cry. You will be there.

That's a lot more than some other people have. Don't think I don't know. I cherish that knowledge.

I hope I get better soon. I really hate hiding away like this even though I know right now I have to. I can't get better if I don't focus on me and my wants and needs at this moment. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU. Words may never be enough, so I hope I can show you how much I love you back and show up for you when you need me the most.

Because that is what friends do. We show up. Even when it's hard. Even when we don't get responses for a long time. Showing up and being there matters so much more than people care to think. Your simple act - your call, your text, your quick message on any social media platform - it all adds up.

So, one more time, my deepest, sincerest, most heartfelt thank you. I don't know what my future holds, but I do sure hope you are in it.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

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