Some Struggle Mentally in Silence — Check on Your Friends (Amanda)
We all have different ways of coping with our struggles. Some of us enjoy going out with friends to take our mind off of things. Some of us benefit from a one-on-one chat with a friend, family member, or our partner. Some of us reach out to people going through the same struggles as we are, such as through support groups or online chats. Some people want to hold it in and deal with it themselves, and that is okay. They also might be afraid to reach out. It can be difficult to determine when these friends are struggling. The most important thing is to not overreach, but to be there for them if they need you.
The onus is not on you to determine what your loved one is struggling with, whether it’s depression, situational sadness and low mood, or some other mental or emotional issue. You do not know what is going on in anyone else’s head, but what you can do is recognize signs that your loved one is struggling. From there, you can be a shoulder for them to lean on for support.
Signs That a Loved One Is Struggling
Again, you can’t possibly know what’s going on in your loved one’s mind, so the most you’ll be able to glean is from their behavioral changes. When someone is struggling, their behaviors might change, such as:
Having worse hygiene or caring less about their personal appearance
Caring less about their hobbies and interests
Communicating less often with friends or family
Sleeping more, seeming restless, or having little energy
Eating less or more than usual
Struggling at work
Seeming to be pessimistic or apathetic
Talking down about themselves more often
Talking about self-harm or death
Whether your friend or loved one has displayed some or most of these behaviors, you still don't know what they’re going through. You can simply tell that they’re struggling, and you can offer a hand to show them you love and care for them.
How to Check on a Friend Who Has Depression or Other Struggles
It can be a delicate topic to cross that line of talking about mental health with a friend or family member, especially if you haven’t done it before. They might not want to talk about it, and that is 100% okay. Let them deal with it in their own way. There are a few different ways you can go about starting the conversation, depending on your relationship with the person.
The Casual Way
The casual way works best with friends you’re not especially close to. To start the conversation, you can be casual about it. You could say something like, “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. I’ve missed us hanging out. Hope you’re doing okay. Let me know if you need anything.” The important things here are to:
Show that you noticed things are off
Don’t say anything that might come across as accusatory (e.g. “Why haven’t you been hanging out with us?”)
Show that you care by saying you hope they’re okay or something similar
Leave the door open so they can talk about their struggles if they need to
They might choose to talk about it, or they might just thank you and continue on. Don’t push any further. They know that you’re there for them, and that’s a really important thing, even if they don’t utilize that outlet. Knowing you have support from a friend if you need it goes a long way.
The “Real” Way
If you’re closer with a person, you can probably be more “real” and honest with them. Again, it’s so important to not come across as accusatory. You can be more forward with someone you’re close with. You could say something like, “I noticed you’ve stopped going out with your friends like you used to, and some other stuff. Are you doing okay? I’m worried about you.” The important things with this one are to:
Show that you noticed things were off
Say something like “Is everything okay?” rather than “Why aren’t you hanging out with your friends?” as the latter may come across as accusatory
Show that you care by saying you’re worried or something similar
Ask them if they’re doing okay, or another caring, direct question
This is much more direct, but still not accusatory. Instead of leaving the door open for them to open up if they want to, you’re prompting a response from them. This is more forward and makes it to where they know that they can open up to you.
Know that they can still reject this question, or even lie about it, but that is 100% okay. They know that you’re there for them, which is the important part. Back off and just try to support them in silent but caring ways, such as bringing them coffee or a snack as a kind gesture or offering to hang out in a calm setting, such as a walk in the park.
You Can’t Fix Their Issues, but You Can Be There for Them
Even if your loved one rejects your outstretched hand, please don’t give up on them or get frustrated with them. Don’t take it personally. They might not be ready for help yet. Be ready to help them if they need it, and be ready to speak up again if the time feels right.
If they do want to talk, that’s great. First of all, understand that when you’re talking to someone with a problem, they might not want solutions or advice. They might just want to talk about their problem and have someone there for them. To keep up your side of the conversation, you can do a few things:
Ask Questions About Their Feelings and Situation
Ask questions about what they’re going through. This shows that you’re listening to them and that you care. Don’t dig too deep, as that might come across as prying. Asking questions for clarification usually works the best. For instance, if they’re talking about struggles with work, you can say “I’m sorry, that sounds really difficult, especially in your work position. How long has it been going on?”
Help Them Feel Validated in Their Struggles
Help them feel validated. Tell them that their situation sounds really difficult and that you’re sorry to hear. Try to make your replies more than “I’m sorry” and “Wow, that sucks”. You can restate their words to make them feel heard and understood, for example, “I’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time with the writing aspect of your work. It seems like a challenging job, and it must not be easy to do when you’re not feeling well.”
Keep the Conversation About Them
Do not talk about yourself unless they ask. This is especially true early on in the conversation. Taking their situation and making it about yourself, even if you have good intentions, can make them feel worse in that they may feel unheard.
There are some exceptions. For instance, if you feel like you have gone through the same thing and really want to share, you can just say, “Oh wow, I’m so sorry. I went through something kind of like that a few months ago. I know how tough it can be.” Keep it short and vague. From here, they might ask you how you dealt with the situation. Then, feel free to share, but make sure you do it in a way that provides insight for them rather than simply using the talk to vent about your own issues.
Do your best to not say that you “understand” how they feel, since it’s impossible to know just how hard someone is taking something compared to how you would. Instead say, “I can’t imagine how hard that must be on you,” or “While I can’t possibly understand how hard that is on you, I know that [subject] is really difficult and I’m here for you.”
Let Them Know That You’re There for Them
Tell them that if they need something, you’re there for them. That being said, you should know that some people try to overreach and ask for things you can’t/shouldn’t give, like money or a lot of your free time. It’s up to you what kind of boundaries you want to set with this person. You can be gentle about declining. Say something like, “I’m sorry, I really can’t help with [boundary]. If you want, I can help you look into [other solutions].” You don’t have to give an excuse, because they can circumvent that excuse and put you in an awkward spot. Just be there for them in the ways you can.
Provide Love, Hope, Care, and Support for Loved Ones in Need
We all need a shoulder to lean on sometimes. It can be difficult to navigate the delicate situation of a friend going through mental or emotional struggles, but the most important thing to remember is to keep their best interests in mind during the conversation. Show empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what you’d want in their situation. Understand that they might not want the same thing, but just go with the flow of the conversation and make sure that they know that you care and are there to support them. You’ll be a great friend to them.
Letters Against Depression — You’re Not Alone
If you’re going through mental or emotional struggles right now, know that there is always hope for your situation and support for you if you need it. This site, Letters Against Depression, is on a mission to send hand-written, personal letters for free to people all over the world. These letters are for people dealing with depression or other struggles who would benefit from having someone there for them. Volunteers of all ages want to write letters to help people just like you. They want to hear your story and be there for you.
If you want to look into receiving a letter of hope and support, click here. If you’re interested in volunteering to write letters to help others, click here.
You are never alone, and there is always hope.