Acknowledging Men’s Mental Health Part 2: Male Friendships (Brandon Alago)

When I was around 12 up until I was 18, I didn’t have any female friends, and most of my male friends were my online friends. I would spend the majority of my time spending time with friends through gaming, specifically during the Playstation 3 and Playstation 4 era of gaming. Some of the games that I would play with them the most were, Call of Duty (mainly COD Zombies), Red Dead Redemption, Little Big Planet, Grand Theft Auto IV & V, Dead Rising 2, Uncharted 3, and Playstation All Stars Battle Royale. Most of us were all geeks that enjoyed gaming more than the average kid, and that’s what helped us connect so easily. We also weren’t very sporty which made it difficult to connect with other males who did enjoy sports. Society back then was much harsher on those who would prioritize gaming and nerd/geek culture, over sports. Most people in society believe that men should be athletic, and enjoy watching/playing sports. I personally didn’t fit that description, which is why I gravitated towards my online friends. My parents even admitted that they worried about me having a lack of IRL (In Real Life) friends, but little did they know that I was communicating and connecting with way more people than most of the people I knew in real life were because of gaming.

I did have some friends that I would spend time with in real life and at a time I did consider some of them my closest friends. However, that was also because I didn’t exactly know what it meant to have a real close friend. At the time, I just thought it was the people I hung around with the most in person. That truly wasn’t the case. I was so different from most of them. I would hang around them but often be quiet because I felt like I couldn’t relate to their interests, and I felt like they had no interest in relating to mine. I would often be teased for my passion for gaming, and for my lack of interest in sports. I mentioned this in my first blog, but I used to have a difficult time relating with my male peers because I was struggling with my sexual orientation at the time. My friends (both IRL and online) were all heterosexual, and I was too scared to open up about my feelings for guys at the time. It really made making real connections with my male friends so much harder.

Another issue that I still deal with, is discussing my feelings with my male friends. I don’t hide anything from them anymore, but I still have a hard time relating to them due to our differences. Society puts pressure on males to not appear weak, especially when it comes to emotions. This has resulted in many males having a difficult time expressing themselves, which makes communicating problems very difficult. Most of the time they feel much more comfortable communicating their emotions with females. Even to this day I still feel much more comfortable communicating my feelings with my female friends over my male friends. Thankfully that is changing over time.

When I was in High School, I had a male friend who was very sensitive and would get picked on a lot because of it. He and I were very close friends, and we remained friends for years. He was one of the first people I opened up to about my sexual orientation journey, and he accepted me with open arms. I never needed to hide anything from him and it felt AMAZING! He also struggled connecting with other males due to his sensitive nature, so he really appreciated me being there for him through the rough times, and for respecting his feelings. We are no longer friends unfortunately, but I will never forget the friendship that we once had. I honestly haven’t had another male friendship like that since.

I currently have one male friend who is definitely one of my closest friends. We don’t see each other often due to our busy schedules, but we speak about everything and always try to be there for each other. We discuss all kinds of topics, and I really value that. I genuinely wish we could spend more time together. It’s one of the very few healthy male friendships that I have.

The main thing that I have in common with my current male friend group is that we all enjoy playing video games from time to time. The main reason why we’re still friends is because we’ve known each other for years and also out of loyalty. Though I may have a difficult time communicating my feelings with them, and may not have much in common with them, I still appreciate them for accepting me for all of my quirks the same way I’m sure they appreciate me for doing the same. We may have our ups and downs, but we always find a way to be there for each other in the end, and that is something that I never want to lose. It’s kind of like a family in a way.

I’m glad that the world is making it much more acceptable for males to be honest about their emotions. It’s a crucial step into making the world a much more safe place through honesty and proper communication. It’s a shame that many males were raised believing that they had to be silent about their emotions because society expected them to live in a certain image. It prevented many from beautiful friendships. I know for a fact that it prevented me from making friends as a teenager because I was too scared to go against what was expected of me. I’m so glad that I’ve opened up about my emotions. It’s allowed me to see who really values me and who actually wants to spend time with me for who I am. If you’re a male and you struggle to make other male friends because you’re afraid that they won’t accept you for who you really are, then this is what you have to do. You need to try your very best and fight past the fear. You’d be surprised how many males are in the same boat, and are looking to speak about their true emotions with those who are willing to listen. Will you meet people who won’t accept you? Unfortunately yes, but those experiences are required to make us grow and learn more about others. Trust me the sooner you start being honest with others about who you are, and what you value, the easier it will be to live life more authentically.