The Difficulties in Navigating Friendships Throughout Adulthood (Natalie Brooke)
Introduction:
As a child and then a teenager, I had a multitude of friends, and they were easy to maintain because I saw them more frequently and we all had less responsibilities… As I grew into adulthood, I found my friendships fading away as soon as we went our separate ways.
I thankfully still have one close friend from high school that I consider to be a Kindred Spirit and a “twin”. She’s been such a good friend over the years and we’ve both grown in leaps and bounds. We’ve of course had our differences, and almost separated ties but thankfully we reconciled.
It was difficult when she first started dating, got engaged, got married and started having kids. It felt like she didn’t have any time for me - which is a pretty common feeling to have I’m told. But we strengthened our bond by accepting each other in our seasons and holding onto our “glue” or our mantra, which we made in high school. It basically goes along the lines that we’re sticking together for the kids - meaning our future children. While I’m childless at this time, and she has two kids, I am glad we made this vow/mantra because I believe it helped in keeping us together.
As someone who isn’t currently in a relationship, doesn’t have a career, or any kids for that matter - I’ve found many people to be downright rude when interacting with me. Whether it’s a conversation or snide comments. For example, when someone asks me if I’m in school, have a job, am married or dating, etc, and I say “no” to all they pretty much end it right then and there. This hurts so much. Another thing is once someone actually had the gall to tell me that maybe I’m not marriage material, or it’s not in God’s will for me. That extremely hurt!
Making Friends As An Adult:
Making friends nowadays isn’t so easy, especially as an introvert… You have to put yourself out there, and that can be scary! Sometimes, introverts luck out and find an extrovert friend who brings them out of their shell. I was once an introvert, and consider myself an ambivert now, how I got there - I have no idea! But, I find it easier to make friends, I just have to be careful who I make friends with as I connect with people quite quickly. And, sometimes they don’t have the best intentions. I’ve learnt this the hard way. Because of this, I find it hard to be vulnerable with others due to people using what I confided in them against me. So, what do you do if you’ve been hurt by others in the past, are an introvert or just unsure of how to make friends.
Be Authentic.
This is key, if you’re not your true unapologetic self around others you won’t attract those who appreciate you for you. I’ve found that if someone doesn’t like you, it’s best to just move on. You’re not meant to be everyone’s cup of tea - it just isn’t possible. As a recovering people pleaser, I still find it hard not to be a chameleon around people in order to please them. It’s difficult to unlearn things that you’ve learned over the years - but it’s oh so possible. Your squad will flourish and come together if you commit to being your true self. Be vulnerable and take the risk of opening up - even though it’s scary! Share your fears and dreams - and as I said, the right people will find you!
Personally, throughout my recent journey of stablizing my mental health - I’ve really cultivated a growth mindset. Making new friendships is about growth if you think about it… if you stay comfortable in your current mindset, then you’ll never get out there and make new friends. I’ve also learnt to commit to making an effort. In anything in life, you must make an effort, whether it’s finding a new job, finding a spouse or someone to date, getting into school, etc. It’ll take time to make new friends but you need to make the effort. And, in this case you’re definitely worth it!
Embracing my passions and interests really helped too. Adulthood truly brings a much clearer understanding of what sparks joy in our lives. It helps with our overall mental health too! Dive into those activities and share them with those new acquaintances at the local library, community centre, etc.
Shared passions are great ways to inspire new friendships - they offer a safe space for discussions and connections! Is there a hobby you’ve wanted to try out? Try it! If not, get curious and be willing to try new things - go to that poetry reading! In my life, an example of this is applying to be an intern for LAD. I had to get out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith. And, I’m so glad I did. I’ve learnt a lot so far, and have made some new connections. Stepping out of our comfort zones and doing things scared can lead us to incredible people. Accept those invitations, try those hobbies you’ve been putting off, explore a community gathering or event. Look at each new experience as a magical doorway to potential friendships!!
Another way is to tap into your community. Do you have a local library in your neighbourhood like I do? Is there a community centre around you? A homeless shelter you could volunteer at? Find something in your community that resonates with you and go all in! Even if it’s something small at first. You’ll eventually get there!
Lastly, have a positive outlook not only on life, but on making friendships as well. Don’t beat yourself up if you lose a friendship or get rejected, it likely wasn’t meant to be… making connections and finding your “tribe” takes time. There isn’t an allotted time and manual for it. But, that’s okay!!
Utilizing technology is pretty cool too - that’s what it’s there for! A while ago, I found an app called “Hey Vina” or something along those lines. Basically, it’s an app for women to make connections. I signed up and found a couple new friends! There’s many apps like this… for example Bumble, Peanut, Slowly, etc. Do a quick google search for more! Of course, be cautious since people on the internet can be a little sketchy sometimes!
Friendships are a two-way street. Don’t expect to make lasting friendships if you sit on the sidelines. Be the one who initiates conversations, makes plans, and checks in. Even if you feel it doesn’t get you anywhere - or it isn’t reciprocated. Keep at it. If you show genuine, authentic interest and care, you’ll get the same in return! I’ve personally felt like this before - I take the time and effort to reach out to friends and often than not, I don’t get the same in return. We just have to remember not to give up!
Sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by friends, I feel lonely. It’s a completely normal feeling, how we handle it is what matters most… Loneliness can be an indication to evaluate your relationships and look within. Do you need to nurture existing friendships, or to forge new ones? Be sure to communicate your needs and values early into the friendship to ensure your social circle reflects them.
Quality over quantity is another big aspect. A small circle of friends who truly get you is way better than a larger circle with superficial connections. So, how do we nurture existing friendships? Because they require effort and attention you need to follow through with regular check ups - whether it’s a coffee date, a phone call, a text, virtual hangouts, or a weekend getaway! The options are endless! These moments of bonding are the glue in a friendship.
True friends are your biggest cheerleaders. I know my best friend sure is! She’s supported me through thick and thin - through every high and low, etc. And, there's been a lot of them over the years. She always shows up and encourages me to be my true self. If I am thinking about starting a new adventure (like my business!) She supports me in various ways. If I need to chat or vent she’s there.
Celebrate one another’s milestones and accomplishments, whether it’s a personal achievement, a new venture, a promotion, a new relationship or anything under the sun! Even the smallest wins can turn into the biggest celebrations with the truest of friends! Take a cue from Alice in Wonderland and celebrate those happy un-birthdays too!
As I mentioned above, true friends are meant to weather the challenges in life together. We all know that life isn’t easy peasy lemon squeezy. A strong friendship/squad stays together throughout all those storms either by offering a shoulder to cry on, or words of encouragement. By doing this, the strength of the friendship often shines brighter than the storm. I’ve had this happen with a couple friends - oftentimes this creates an even stronger bond and I can attest to that! The “friends” who leave you high and dry during a challenging time aren’t worth it to begin with. We deserve better than that!
Another thing I learned recently is that open communication is key in all relationships. A healthy friendship thrives on openness and honesty… Everyone has their differences, and sometimes you’ll disagree but you have to learn how to agree to disagree. Which is a lost art, honestly. Embrace these differences and work together to resolve conflict or concerns properly and respectfully. A supportive friend or squad is willing to listen and understand. With that being said, we all make mistakes. I know I have. In the past when the going got tough - I’ve shut down or ghosted a friend. Totally not okay! But, my friend was patient with me and eventually we figured things out!
In conclusion:
Navigating the labyrinth of adult friendships can be difficult but as you put these things into practice - your squad will become your anchor, your stepping stone, and essentially your ultimate support system! The bonds you work on today will shape your future experiences and memories. Through authenticity, communication, honesty, and shared bonds, your squad will spark joy, and strength for years to come! Cultivating friendships truly is an extraordinary journey - it’s up to you to make it as magical as can be!
Embrace your inner child and start today! Get back on that figurative playground and make a new friend. As much as friendships in adulthood are a challenge - they can truly be a gift! With effort, vulnerability, and a hint of bravery they develop over time into something beautiful. Remember, each person you meet throughout your journey is a chapter in your story. Each interaction is an opportunity for growth and inner reflection. Every moment of connection is a memory to treasure. The journey of friendship is one of the most rewarding paths you can walk. Focus on the first step, not the whole staircase.
Whether you’re struggling with finding friends, feeling lonely, or just down and out. Letters Against Depressions’ main mission is to help those in need of hope and encouragement through the lost art of letter writing. We promote authenticity in our letters as it’s vastly important to be so. As volunteers, being authentic in writing our letters is key - as we hope to inspire others to live authentically in their pursuit of friendships, and in life. LAD brings others together and the community its built over time is full of authentic love and support. I know early on into my mental health journey - receiving a letter from LAD would have been pivotal in my healing process. You can too! Just sign up - we’d love to hear from you!