Comparative Suffering (Sofia)
COMPARATIVE SUFFERING
“Someone has it worse than you.”
I hate that statement.
Despite being said with good intentions, it usually comes off a bit back-handed.
Not only did you manage to invalidate what I’m currently going through, you’re insinuating that because my experience is supposedly ‘not as traumatic’ as someone else’s, I am not allowed to complain.
I hate it!
I will whine, I will cry, I will be sad.
I will be human.
Emotional baggage is a subjective experience, and I should not base it on the standards of others but on myself.
BACKGROUND DIVERSITY
I live in a multicultural society. Everyone is different, everyone is unique, and everyone compares. Judgment is a natural human tendency, but that isn’t inherently bad. You could compare yourself for self-improvement or motivation, but many sway in the opposite direction.
This potential negative judgment made me afraid to reach out when I was going through hardships. I was afraid that my problems were too “generic”, and therefore not valid, especially when there were so many people here facing more challenging experiences. This made me feel isolated and alone.
That’s not true!
It doesn’t matter your economic background, your race, your gender, your age, etc.
If you are not okay, then you are not okay.
Mental illness is not a competition!
It took me a while to realize this, and every once in a while, I still have to remind myself.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
My name is Sofia. A few years ago, I went through a period where I was suffering from severe panic attacks. It was horrible, to the point where I was physically unable to get out of bed and had to miss school. Along with general anxiety, I was also scared to ask for help. I live a comfortable life, with good grades, good friends, good family. It made no sense to me why I was feeling like this. I just did; it just happened. I could not control it. I could not last being in groups with over five people. I felt like a burden, not being able to attend social events, never joining my friends, and never telling them the reason why. I was afraid that someone would point out that I was unreasonable for feeling the way I did.
Surrounded by your stereotypical Asian mindset, I was often told that since my immigrant parents worked so hard and have gone through so much for me, I was not allowed to feel anything other than grateful. I was, of course, grateful, but that doesn’t negate my own calamities.
It’s okay to ask for help. Which was something that I eventually did.
COPING MECHANISMS
Seeking help takes courage and time. Whether you choose to speak with someone or not, your feelings are always valid. Here are some coping mechanisms I used when I was not yet ready to talk to someone:
1. The 54321 Grounding method
Think of…
5 things you can see,
4 things you can touch,
3 things you can hear,
2 things you can smell,
1 thing you can taste.
You can always switch the numbers around depending on your situation. I find this a good way to distract myself whenever I feel an anxiety attack or meltdown coming along. I’m more aware of my surroundings, and I’m focused on finding things to link to each sense.
2. Write or type your thoughts
If you are not comfortable talking to someone yet, writing or typing your thoughts is a good alternative to letting your feelings out.
3. Take up a new hobby!
I like the quote, “A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.” I have so many hobbies, but I’ve never gotten good at any one of them. That’s okay because I enjoy them! It’s good because I have so many things that keep me preoccupied, and it’s a form of stress relief.
You should never evaluate your own pain and difficulties by comparing them to the suffering of others. No matter how someone, or yourself, dismisses your own experiences, I will be here, firmly reminding you that you need not justify your feelings to anyone. You don’t need a reason or explanation to feel the way you do. No matter what it is, it’s okay, and there will always be someone willing to help you.
If you are feeling down and need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here at Letters Against Depression if you haven’t already. We send letters of hope and support to those who need someone there for them. You can request to receive letters here.