The Time (Kim)

It's a bright and sunny morning! I have the whole day ahead of me. I think of all the great things I can do and exactly when I'm going to do them. They loom in my mind, these thoughts I have.

I look at the time; it's so early. I swear I have the time! I can start a project right now! You know, that one I've been putting off for so long. I can pick an activity, any activity, and just spend 15 minutes working on that activity. Wouldn't that be grand? I'm sure it would, these thoughts I have.

I think of them often – of the journaling I want to get back into, the meditation I would like to try. I think of my exercise program I've abandoned but deeply miss. I think of the friends I want to see. I think of the good I could do... if only I could do it.

But the time is moving. I am at work. I can only think of work, the constant fire that is burning beneath me to be better, to do all. The time moves, so much to do, so little time to do it. I forget to eat lunch until 2 pm. My work stretches on.

I think about all I will do when I'm off work. But I do not do; I do not act on these thoughts I have. I think I am so close, but I turn my mind to other things when the looming thoughts draw too close to reality.

I pick up my phone, but I don't call a friend. Instead, I open Reddit and dive in. I turn on YouTube. I read the comments. I dance around. I don't look at the time.

I can't look at the time. I will think about how I am wasting it, here on my phone looking at these sites, when if I could be on my phone, I could at least be doing something worthwhile.

I think, "yeah, worthwhile," and change my app to the game section. I whittle away time, clicking on tiles, filling in numbers, playing cards. I am rewarded with leveling up, trophies, coins. I don't look at the time.

I can't look at the time. There are so many things I could be doing; they loom in my mind. I don't put down the phone. I can't put down the phone. Otherwise, I will think about how I should be doing something, could be doing something, anything, really. Should've, Could've.

I open social media. I scroll and think, "Hey, at least I'm catching up on things." Reality – I am not catching up on things. I am reading that BuzzFeed list. I am reading stories from people. I will click on the links to articles of things I don't really need to know about. I don't look at the time.

It is now dark out, and my thoughts loom in my mind. "It's too late now," I'll think, but I know it's not too late. I know it's not too late at all. I could still do many things. I could send messages, write a letter, make a video, talk to family. I could meal prep, walk in place, I could study. But, now, well, look at that, won't you look at the time!

It's time for bed. I think I could read, or write, or meditate there. I think I could, but I pick up my phone, because that is more immediate and here and easy. The time just goes on the phone. The instant gratification of the phone, while keeping the healthy thoughts at bay. I think, "I should sleep," but then I turn over and watch videos until 1 am, all the while telling myself I will get up at 6 am "to get back to my sleep schedule, and yes, I'm going to exercise first thing and eat a healthy breakfast and pack a great lunch!"

But in the morning... there will be no time.