I Will Create (Jan)

I'd been meaning to sit down and write something, but for a long time, words escaped me. My mind was quite foggy from these last few months. It was hard to think clearly, to articulate the complicated emotions that were swirling around inside of me. It was as if I had been pulled back into the past, back to being the young fearful child who didn't have a voice.

Growing up, I often found it difficult to share and describe the thoughts and feelings in my head. Although I've become more articulate in recent years, there are still moments when I find myself at a loss for words. Yet it is also during these times when I find other creative outlets like painting and music to express myself.

Back in October, my paternal grandmother was suddenly hospitalized. In just a week, she had been later transferred to a hospice facility where she passed away only a few days later. During that week, my family and our other relatives visited the hospital nearly every day, to sit and just talk to her.

Early in that week, I sat by my grandma's bedside in the ICU along with my mom. As I massaged her feet and legs, I watched my mom lovingly caress my grandma's hand, with a gentleness that my mom's dental patients often experienced under her attentive care. And whenever my mom pulled her hand back to rest, my grandma would extend her left hand almost immediately, searching once again for that familiar touch.

It was both a heartbreaking yet heartwarming sight to witness. Rather than getting lost in premature grief, I wanted to find a way to capture this moment. I wasn't sure of how appropriate it was to be taking a picture of their clasped hands at this time, but I knew that I wanted to do something with it later even if I wasn't completely sure of it yet.

The night before my grandma passed away was when I finally found some motivation to paint for the first time in months. By the end of that long, painful week, my mind was foggy and exhausted from visiting the hospital and later the hospice facility.

I needed something to clear my help to clear my head a little, but I also wanted to find something that could bring some comfort and consolation to my family. Although she could not open her eyes or respond to us with words during her final days, I wanted to remind my relatives that we did our best to make sure that she didn't feel alone. That she was loved and cherished by her many children, siblings, and grandchildren.

There are different ways that I utilize the arts in my life. Sometimes it can serve as a diversion, a way to relieve myself from stress and responsibilities. Other times, I have been able to bond and hang out with friends during my time in the high school and college art club. And recently, I've been reminded that I can preserve the precious memories that I have of the loved ones I have lost.

When my maternal grandfather passed away three years ago, I created a song with the piano that helped me cope with the grief and the regret for not being able to give a proper goodbye. After a dear elementary school teacher had passed away suddenly back in August of last year, I learned how to bake the chocolate chip pumpkin bread muffins that she would often make for us and the little school store. And right now, I'm in the process of learning how to crochet the beautiful custom-made butterflies that she would make for each of our birthdays.

While I wish that I could stop experiencing more losses, I know that this is not going to be the last. Still, the ways that they touched and shaped me is something that will always be a part of me, long after they’re gone.

And when I cannot find the proper words, I will paint pictures. I will play music.

I will bake treats.

I will create.